How can we stop our kids arguing with us on every single point? How can we stop ourselves being drawn into that argument and then getting nowhere? So what I’m going to give you is one Golden Rule with some examples that you can implement that are going to help you avoid all arguments with your child.
And this is … Let’s frame it up this way Know What You Want Know Why You’re Entering Into the Discussion. You see, commonly what happens is, we will go to enter into a discussion with someone and then they’ll give us an opposing opinion and then we’ll show you why our opinion is right … their opinion is right and off it tails into wherever it goes and we’ve lost why we sat down with our child in the first place.
For instance, we might be sitting down with our child and we might want to discuss with them the fact that we’re not happy with them slamming their door to their room every time they get upset with us.
Typical for teenagers, right? So, what we want to do, our goal is to sit down with our teenager and help them and us work together on some sort of outcome should they choose to continue to slam … and I should say “OUR” door in the house that “WE” pay for.
So really, that’s what we’re going to try and do but typically your teenager won’t want to talk about that because they have a right to slam “their” door to “their” room! “… and you do this … and you do that … and you’re an unfair parent …” and then all of a sudden we get caught up in that talk … “I’m not unfair … this is fair … and it’s our house etc etc …” And so the Golden Rule here is, you’ve got to bring it back to why you sat down and what you are doing here.
The best thing you can do at that point – and they tried to distract you right? – because they don’t want to discuss it with you and they want to get to a point where maybe they can get up and storm off on you so this does not happen.
What you need to do at all times is to keep your eyes on the prize and the prize is, that we work together to work out an outcome for this conflict with the goal in mind that, “I love you. No matter what happens I love you, but what we’re going to do is find a mutually beneficial solution to this conflict that will strengthen our relationship and give you a clear understanding and control of how your life moves on from here.
” So if your child says, “You’re an unfair parent!” You can come in with, “Hey, I know it would feel that way at the moment, so we can come back to that, but for now, let’s have a chat around what you think should happen if you keep slamming the door.
” “It’s MY door !!! I’ll do WHAT I WANT with it !!!” “Hey, listen, I know you think that and certainly we can talk about that too, but for now, what we do need to chat around is, what do you think should happen if you continue to slam your door?” Now your child may get up and storm away at that point.
You have to be able to say, “Hey, listen, I want to sit down with you and work through this but if you choose not to, there’s going to be a consequence and the consequence is going to be besides the door discussion.
So we’ll have a new situation and that would be that you’ve left our discussion. So what I’d like you to do is come and sit down and we can work through this. Or if you do …” Then you’re going to pick some other thing that you control and that might be… “We’ve talked about disrespect and that would be a loss of technology for the week and we don’t what that.
So let’s work through this.” You’re always coming back to, why we’re sitting down here and what we’re doing and what we’re doing is, we’re going to find a solution. Now the ideal solution, and I’ve been through this many times with parents and I’ve been through this as a child myself, is that we will understand that this is Mum and Dad’s door.
This is not my door to my room and that if I abuse or misuse that door, then it might not be there. That I just might not have that door. If I broke that door, it would be removed and I may have to work and pay for the door myself.
So, the consequence of slamming the door has to be more painful than the benefit of slamming it so to speak. We have to give our child that opportunity to assess the conflict and to choose what they want to do and then for us to be able to control that.
Now importantly here, remember our child does not want to have this discussion, they probably don’t want to sit at the table. So we’re going to just stay calm and we have to support them and we’re going to work together for that outcome.
And you remember they’re going to try and distract us, but we’re just going to bring them back every time and we’re not going to get fired up and that my friends is how we how we get away from arguing with our kids.